I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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