my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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