i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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