Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
