omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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