Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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