I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
