after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
