After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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