U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
