tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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