I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
