Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
