I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
