Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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