ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
