They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
