before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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