she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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