I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
