You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something