Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...