Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
two words...techno handjob
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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