apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
