sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
