i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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