my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was born a porn star she said
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
