I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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