Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
