I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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