I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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