Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
