Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
