The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
