If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
