party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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