This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
