i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We're too hungover to prance.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
