i already hear my dad disowning me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will pee on everything he values.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
