Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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