I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
