don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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