Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
