Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
