i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
