Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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