Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
