just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
