You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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