I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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