Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
