So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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