Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
