M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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