I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Boobs are out for the taking
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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