The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
