Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
