Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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