don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
